...Mannequins...

There are times when one feels like a mannequin. Functioning throughout the daily tasks as one. Not caring when things change, and taking those that directly effect them in strides. But nothing seems to shake that same pit, nor stir that same ball of despair. Things still feel empty, even as things improve. Even as the good comes in....things still feel....stagnant and hopeless. Watching one's surroundings and wants diminish to nothing and wilt is a glimmer of that feeling sometimes, isn't it? Crumpling into a droll of daily tasks.

There's little to look forward to. And those things that do bring joy are fleeting....far and few in between. Some things that feel so close also feel so far. And the agony of grasping it pulls it further and further away, despite it never having moved to begin with. Where am I? Where am I going? ......what am I doing anymore? I am excelling again, but it feels as though I am standing still in a languid pool. Pushing through life as though life has no end, when the opposite holds more true.

My heart stopped beating months ago, yet hiccups now and then with joy when the emotion wells forth and sputters. But then the icy grip reaches forth and holds tight....and the reality sinks that joy and shrinks it back to nothingness. I often wonder if and when and where will I succeed in usurping this new terrible tyrant. When I will be able to reclaim my throne. When can I return to who I once was? I feel as though I am threads....a ghost......a husk. This mannequin can only remain poised for so long before being broken down.