Here I am again.
I did not realize it has been a bit over two years now. Life has consumed me in its entirety, unfortunately. I will give my time to try my luck at writing a first novel. I have a gift, and I want to see how far the limbs reach. Hopefully to the eaves.
2.12.2016
10.18.2013
...Mannequins...
There are times when one feels like a mannequin. Functioning throughout the daily tasks as one. Not caring when things change, and taking those that directly effect them in strides. But nothing seems to shake that same pit, nor stir that same ball of despair. Things still feel empty, even as things improve. Even as the good comes in....things still feel....stagnant and hopeless. Watching one's surroundings and wants diminish to nothing and wilt is a glimmer of that feeling sometimes, isn't it? Crumpling into a droll of daily tasks.
There's little to look forward to. And those things that do bring joy are fleeting....far and few in between. Some things that feel so close also feel so far. And the agony of grasping it pulls it further and further away, despite it never having moved to begin with. Where am I? Where am I going? ......what am I doing anymore? I am excelling again, but it feels as though I am standing still in a languid pool. Pushing through life as though life has no end, when the opposite holds more true.
My heart stopped beating months ago, yet hiccups now and then with joy when the emotion wells forth and sputters. But then the icy grip reaches forth and holds tight....and the reality sinks that joy and shrinks it back to nothingness. I often wonder if and when and where will I succeed in usurping this new terrible tyrant. When I will be able to reclaim my throne. When can I return to who I once was? I feel as though I am threads....a ghost......a husk. This mannequin can only remain poised for so long before being broken down.
There's little to look forward to. And those things that do bring joy are fleeting....far and few in between. Some things that feel so close also feel so far. And the agony of grasping it pulls it further and further away, despite it never having moved to begin with. Where am I? Where am I going? ......what am I doing anymore? I am excelling again, but it feels as though I am standing still in a languid pool. Pushing through life as though life has no end, when the opposite holds more true.
My heart stopped beating months ago, yet hiccups now and then with joy when the emotion wells forth and sputters. But then the icy grip reaches forth and holds tight....and the reality sinks that joy and shrinks it back to nothingness. I often wonder if and when and where will I succeed in usurping this new terrible tyrant. When I will be able to reclaim my throne. When can I return to who I once was? I feel as though I am threads....a ghost......a husk. This mannequin can only remain poised for so long before being broken down.
10.05.2013
.Seams.
Time seems still sometimes, doesn't it? Seamless and floating. Never ending sometimes it seems. Other times it passes in the blink of an eye. The events that occur in the seams of time shape and mold and change and define us, regardless of our acknowledgement or realization of it. Once the inevitable confrontation with these changes occur, we either embrace or deny it. a majority of the time, the latter occurs. Especially when the changes are not savory. Even more when they are destructive.
Self-destruction is an intriguing thing to watch at times. Some are unaware, while others are completely aware. Some care little to none, while others care deeply of the consequences. The strains can vary and are often ignored by those around. Other times they are noticed and smothered immediately.
My own mind dips in and out of these seams currently. Dipping and bucking to and fro with a certain uncertainty. An ebb and flow of negative and positive--of cracks and crevices--of poison and antidote. There are times where I pause in the sea of uncertainty and unbearable rolling of the waves to stop. To listen. To think. I've not the ability to speak, for I am simply washed under the more important sounds of escapism and disinterest. It can be lulling and disheartening at once. The mind would much rather revel in the now and the free than the subconscious well of the heart.
My branches are weakened and rotting, the fruit dropping quickly with the swell of Fall and the incoming breath of Winter. When the new season rolls in, I wonder what there will be for me? Where will I be? Where will I go? The tides are washing my feet. my direction is fluid.
My branches are weakened and rotting, the fruit dropping quickly with the swell of Fall and the incoming breath of Winter. When the new season rolls in, I wonder what there will be for me? Where will I be? Where will I go? The tides are washing my feet. my direction is fluid.
7.28.2013
Crumple
I'm adrift. There aren't words to express how I feel. I'm dipping back into my subconscious. Dipping back into my former self. Recoiling into my former shell that protected me for so long. It feels as though a part of me is dying. A part of me is withering into nothing. I'm slowly losing my ability to communicate verbally. I'm debilitating into a metal mess. The more I realize this, the more I sink inside myself. The more my speech drains into dribbled words. The more I lock myself inside my mind. The more I crumble internally.
Where am I going? In what direction will I go?
Am I going forward, backward, or in circles?
I don't have a voice. I have only sounds. Uttered nonsense. No kindred soul. No like mind. I'm alone...and returning to my former self is the most painful experience that I am experiencing. I'm unsure where I will end. Where I will begin.....?
When do I begin.....?
Who am I......?
Where am I going? In what direction will I go?
Am I going forward, backward, or in circles?
I don't have a voice. I have only sounds. Uttered nonsense. No kindred soul. No like mind. I'm alone...and returning to my former self is the most painful experience that I am experiencing. I'm unsure where I will end. Where I will begin.....?
When do I begin.....?
Who am I......?
6.18.2013
6.17.2013
.rotten.
Sometimes there's a hole that remains no mater how much you plug it or try to fill it with other things--insubstantial nonsense. Sometimes the hole shrinks. Other times it becomes a vortex. Sometimes it can very well consume you, no matter how hard you fight.
I seem to be in the latter circumstance. Being consumed and feeling my spirit evaporate slowly into an ethereal mist. I feel myself changing. Transforming. And not for the better. I feel consumed...drained. Like there is a sort of parasite inside, sucking away infinitely. The little optimism I had has died out, and the light is now dim. Barely a glimmer....hardly a flutter. Though I have means to escape, I cannot.Thus I feel this permanent state of negative flux. Being washed away.
Maybe I'll continue to rot. Maybe I will heal. One staple I possess is the ability to maintain, even through the worst circumstances. We will see how I fare through this turbulent time.
I seem to be in the latter circumstance. Being consumed and feeling my spirit evaporate slowly into an ethereal mist. I feel myself changing. Transforming. And not for the better. I feel consumed...drained. Like there is a sort of parasite inside, sucking away infinitely. The little optimism I had has died out, and the light is now dim. Barely a glimmer....hardly a flutter. Though I have means to escape, I cannot.Thus I feel this permanent state of negative flux. Being washed away.
Maybe I'll continue to rot. Maybe I will heal. One staple I possess is the ability to maintain, even through the worst circumstances. We will see how I fare through this turbulent time.
6.09.2013
. Carcass .
Everything feels like an endless ocean. Like I'm swimming for days and days on end, hoping to reach the end of this unending pool. Sometimes it feels like I'll never reach the other end. Sometime it feels like I'll drown. Sometime it feels like my muscles are tightening. Tensing. Locking. Giving up. Sinking. And I am helplessly falling. I've not lost myself completely. My mind is far to ample. Too proud. Too strong. It pushes me even when I am completely broken, as I am now. It pushes me even when I am unable to move. It pushes me when I am on my last breath. When there is nothing left. When I am but a husk.
Right now I am in a dark place. Not one I would enjoy, but a pit of screams and wailing of misery to which I have not felt in decades. It twists my insides and rattles my bones; swells my eyes and cracks my heart and spine in two as though they were mere twigs. I am but a pool of wariness and paranoia. A puzzled tattered soul on the verge of fading into nothingness. But a small candle flickers. I've no idea why it does or where it comes from. But it remains quite a dim beacon. Not one of hope....but one of memory. Of all the perils I have suffered before, and all of the suffering I have yet to endure. This is one of a series. My spirit is folded. Crumpled in two and shivering. Yet still crawling. Somehow moving. Somehow going on. And as my lungs fill with this tar, and my eyes well with sand rather than tears, scraping at the remainder of flesh, my spirit claws through my skin, pulling my carcass with it. By force. Sheer force. And all there is to it now is simply a lingering question.
Where are you taking me...where am I going?
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